Coneflower Ranch

It's all about me after all

When the husband got promoted they issued him a new ID card that he proudly showed me when he came home. I was horrified. It's the standard ID photo pose but Dude is smirking. I looked at the photo and then up at his smiling face and then back at the stupid photo.

"Why are you smirking?"

"What? I think it looks good." He looked at the ID card and then back at me. " I don't see a problem."

"I can't believe they let you do that."

"I can't believe you care. It's my ID card."

Fair enough. Then he takes out his military ID and he's smirking on that one too. I love the man more than what's good for me but I don't even pretend to understand him. Why would you choose that photo to identify yourself? I just don't get it. It's things like this that make me wonder what other odd things am I going to learn about this man as time goes on. We've been together for twenty-three years and this photo surprised me. He's right, it isn't about me; so I let it go.

But, then something changed. He came home from a drill weekend earlier this year and said he needed to speak to me. He sat me down and told me that he is going on an all expenses paid trip to Afghanistan with his unit and he will be gone for a year. A lot of thoughts went through my head all at once and there was speech gridlock for a moment. What did I finally say?

"You have to change that ID picture."

"What?"

"If you die in Afghanistan that asinine photo is going to be all over the news and the local paper. I'm going to forever be known as the smirking soldier's wife. No thank you."

"That is not at all what I expected you to say." There's an understatement. It's not what I expected me to say either. But there it was.   

Observations from the sickbed

I don't generally watch a lot of television. Mostly because it feels like I'm wasting time if I'm not also knitting, folding clothes or something else at the same time. I'm not a tv nazi but there isn't much on that holds my interest and over the years there is less and less I want to spend my time watching. This isn't snobbery. Maybe it is, but it's not intended that way. My favorite show for a long time was "Buffy the Vampire Slayer" not some highbrow program on PBS. I love "Scrubs" and I try never to miss "The Colbert Report" which comes on about the time I'm falling asleep at night so I don't always get through the whole program. Since I came home from the emergency room on Sunday I've been able to do little else but sleep and watch TV and it has been interesting.

Daytime television sucks. I have basic cable so it's been 60+ channels of nonsense for two days. I tried to read my book but I couldn't concentrate on it and even when I'm ill there is only so much sleeping I can do. Knitting was out of the question because I needed a hand to hold the hot rice sock up to my incredibly painful ear. By the way, I have renewed sympathy for toddlers with ear infections. I want to cry and bite people too.

I'm not sure who the women are that TV programmers are trying to reach but it's not me. I have absolutely no desire to watch anything on LifeTime television. I'm sorry for all the women in abusive relationships but just how many made for TV movies do we need on the subject. How about a show teaching girls how to pick better men? That seems like a more positive use of the air time. Just a thought. I've given birth five times and remember it well. I don't need to watch someone else go through it. Most of the women who are getting married and having a television crew following them around need to be slapped upside the head. Someone warn the husbands-to-be that these women are nuts. The wedding is important but it's ONE day. The marriage is supposed to last the rest of your life. Perspective please! 

As for the advertisers: I don't care that I'm not the same size I was in High School. I'm not a teenager. I'm an adult and I look like one. I happen to think that's a good thing. I'll be forty-two at the end of this month and I have some grey hair coming in. I like it. Apparently I'm a weirdo. But wait, there's more! I've spent forty-two years laughing so there are some lines around my eyes and mouth. Some wide-eyed thirty year old says I need to inject some gel crap into my skin to erase those signs of a life spent giggling and guffawing. There are pills I can take to get rid of the extra sand in my hourglass or I can fork over half the family food budget to get frozen food shipped to me so I can lose weight with some out-of-work actresses. I can use wasteful throw-a-way wipes to clean up what should be a pristine house. And since I don't buy single serving, pre-made, microwaveable, psuedo-food I'm not a cool mom. Heaven Forbid!!

One very interesting thing to watch is the interaction between men and women in commercials. The women frequently treat the men like idiots or children and the men act accordingly. How do you yell at a grown man "Did you leave whiskers in the sink ... Again?" and then respect him as an adult at the dinner party you're supposedly getting ready to attend? How do you sleep with him after that?

One of the worst commercials I saw was for men as a matter of fact. In this particular commercial they try to talk men into spending half the family food budget to lose weight with retired athletes. One of the spokesmen, who acheived results that are not typical but broadcast in big bold type anyway, said in a pleased voice that his wife was "not as disgusted by me anymore." My mouth fell open. So she's still somewhat disgusted? How can you be married to someone who would talk to you like that? What market research did they do that made them decide it was a good quote to put in a weight loss commercial geared toward men?  There would never be such a quote from a woman. Any woman whose husband said something like that to her would be crying on Oprah! ::sob:: and then ::: sob::: he said ::: he's not as disgusted by me anymore. :::wailing:::crying::: The camera pans the audience where we see lots of nodding serious, empathetic faces. Oprah rubs the woman's back whispering encouragement as they cut to a commercial.

Most TV commercial couples are a paunchy man and a trim attractive woman. Sometimes you find realistic looking couples but not often. Sometimes it's two ridiculously good-looking people with a small child they aren't old enough to have. The most irritating commercials have bratty kids and indulgent parents. The most insulting commercials have shallow women and/or men who treat indulgences as if they are genuine needs. Then there are the manly men commercials with the decorative women. Are you afraid of men's deodorant? Me either.

I watched all this for two days wondering over and over where the advertisers get the idea that this is typical America. For one horrifying moment I thought that perhaps this is typical America and I am atypical. It was too gruesome a thought. It would explain why the world hates us but I don't think it is an actual portrayal of everyday people. I think this may be what a group of advertising and television executives think typical America ought to be. I could be right about this. Right? Jeese, I hope so.

   

Things I've learned this Summer

1. Rebuilt engines aren't as good as new engines.

1a. Car part suppliers who supply and warranty rebuilt engines aren't happy about honoring the warranty; especially three weeks before it expires. Frankly, I think they should have just rebuilt the engine better so it would last longer than the warranty but I'm picky that way.

1b. They don't make new engines for twelve year old minivans.

1c. Steve is still the man. He replaced the rebuilt engine from last year with a new rebuilt engine from this year. While he was at it he replaced the power steering pump, charged the air conditioning and renewed my inspection. And then didn't want to charge me because the engine was never right and neither were any of the first four power steering pumps.

2. Laptop computers are convenient.

2a. Windows Vista is not.

2b. You can't buy a new laptop without Windows Vista installed.

2c. There will be no pictures in this post because I can't get the razzafrackin' computer to cooperate with me. There won't be any links either for the same reason.

2d. I don't like Windows Vista and I think the feeling is mutual.

3. Ear infections hurt like hell.

3a. I'm a basically healthy person who uses her health insurance card so infrequently that I couldn't find it when I needed it.

3b. A health insurance plan with an emergency number that is only answered during business hours, Monday to Friday, is not conducive to my good health.

3c. Apparently I'm so healthy, or so lazy, that my primary care doctor has left the county, the country or the practice of medicine and I had no idea. The insurance plan website has no record of him and neither did the yellow pages.

3d. Sunday morning is the worst time to find out about any of these things.

3e. The emergency room can be rather crowded on a Sunday morning.

3f. Cat hair gets EVERYWHERE. Including the human ear canal. Doctors find this common occurrence amusing.

4. My husband is wonderful man.

4a. He was a Tank Platoon Commander; a Company Commander and after 9/11 he was one of the guys who crafted the 'use of force' guidelines for the military who were, and sometimes are, patrolling the streets of New York City. In his civilian job he has over a hundred people working under him.

4b. None of this has prepared him for dealing with my being ill. In fact his ability to step into my shoes when I'm ill is inversely proportional to his competence in the "real" world. Especially when he gets ambushed by a wife sick in bed when he comes home from an Army Reserve Drill weekend.

4c. Pook was the only one who got fed yesterday. The older kids ended up foraging. In his defense the older kids are all teenagers and can effectively fend for themselves. 

4d. He made me soup. He sat up watching movies with me. He reheated my rice sock anytime I needed it. Every so often he would ask "Are you healthy yet?"

4e. The dishes got done, the house did not get trashed and Pook brushed her teeth. Even so, I think it is in the best interest of all concerned if nothing serious happen to me until the kids are grown.